My Body Image

                                                                                    by Catriona Whitehead

     
       I have issues with my body, particularly what I consider to be a generous helping of thighs and a not so abundant helping of bust. Furthermore, while these two body parts are most often at the center of my image insecurities, I frequently involve other body parts, depending on the day. My negative body image took years to develop, which means it has taken, and will continue to take, years to counteract. The easy-to-come-by jabs my subconscious makes about my body require more involved inner monologues in response. Ones focusing on what was and was not helpful about the jab (usually, none of it was helpful). The decoding takes a lot of energy, concentration, and patience. And often, I find those three have gone to tea when I need them. But I try anyways; this work is too important for me to dismiss.

       I do think American culture places a nearly insurmountable amount of pressure on achieving, and maintaining, the ideal physique. And what may be the worst part is, this "perfect" body is not intended to boost your confidence necessarily, but rather to gain the acceptance and approval of others. At least this was the case for me. I wanted people to admire my appearance, and as such, assume I led a happy and wonderful life. Overall, I did enjoy my life. But any unhappiness and inner turmoil I felt, body-related or otherwise, usually came out as negative body image. Talk about a vicious cycle.

       And then, a few years ago, my husband said to me, "Sometimes, I wish you dressed more simply." To which I responded, "The way I see it, if I dress in such a way that people are taken in by my ensemble, they're less likely to focus on me." I completely took myself by surprise. I had no idea I used clothing this way. I always understood that proper styling enhances the figure and can be used to draw the eye to certain places, but I never thought I was using my personal style as a means of distracting from myself entirely. 

       Besides practicing dressing more simply every once in awhile (there are great stylistic benefits in doing so), I investigated my relationship with clothing. I realized that while I sometimes utilized clothing as a hiding mechanism, I also just genuinely enjoyed developing unexpected outfit combinations and discussing why they made sense to me. So, rather than dress simply in an effort to combat my insecurities--which would not have eliminated them anyway, and would have starved me of my joy of dressing creatively--I decided to nurture this joy by continuing my styling methods, and dealt with my inner struggles separately. 

       I also focused more on how I communicated with my clients, particularly when they spoke about their bodies. They'd express distaste for a certain part of their body and I'd explain their insecurities were both valid and unfortunate to have. Then I would make recommendations on how to draw the eye to the particularly awesome parts of their bodies. It occurred to me that my sincere desire to lift them up, and the gentleness with which I spoke to them, was not the language I adopted when speaking to myself. As a result, whenever the inner-jabs emerged, I asked myself, "would I ever say such a thing to a client or friend?" Of course, the answer was always "No." The other piece of information I gained from working with my clients was a reminder that while certain sewing techniques, fabric choices, and garment pairings are used for smoothing over unsightly physical attributes, they are also used for unmasking and celebrating our bodies, unsightly or beautiful. Thus, rather than focus on hiding the unsightly, I choose to unmask the beauty, whether the wearer is myself or someone else.

       I still have body issues, but:

1. I deserve to treat myself as I would treat a friend.

2. There are many things I like about my body. They are....

3. The insecurities I have about my body are valid, and dressing in 

such a way that alleviates some of these insecurities is valid too.